Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
