So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
