Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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