I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
