I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
