Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
