thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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