apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
