I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
