I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
