Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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