How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
