This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
