well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
