i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
