She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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