So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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