just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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