mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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