Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
