Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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