She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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