I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
