if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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