I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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