dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
