there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
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