3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i permit you to call me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
