your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
