Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
