I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
