I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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