when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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