So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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