last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
