her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
