Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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