Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
