I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
