Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
