Your favorite bartender is back from prision
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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