Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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