not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
