My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We don't watch enough power rangers
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
