Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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