ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
3pm strippers are depressing
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
