I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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