I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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