A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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