He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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