On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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