my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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