If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
