True but thats because hes a fetus.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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