mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
