your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
