I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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