dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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